When You're Your Own Worst Enemy

I have mentioned a few times that I consider myself to be "fucked in the head (FITH)", and the reality is, that I am. I am locked into an emotional, physical, and mental cycle, one which prevents me from getting the very help that will aid me in solving my personal issues. The cycle seems to go something like this:

I get extremely depressed, and part of the way in which the depression shows itself is by me finding it extremely difficult and more often than not, impossible for me to leave my home. This of course prevents my ability to see a Therapist on a regular basis, and it is the therapy that can help resolve whatever issues are causing it. I start to get a bit better, manage to see a little 'hope', and often will get myself part time employment. That makes me feel even more better, but then crap things start happening, and slowly but surely I roll back down into being extremely depressed.

The whole thing really fucks me off, makes me feel fucking useless (which in many ways I am), angry, and pathetic. I want to get off this crazy fucking Merry Go Round, am sick of wasting days, months and years of my life on it, but when it comes to actually trying to get off it when I am in the extreme depression, it's like there is a loud metal sounding 'clang' that happens in me, and the thought of leaving the house is next to impossible. That is the point where I am at now, and even though I have talked to my psychiatrist about it, the advice of "just force yourself to do it" is what I am given. Sometimes, I am able to force myself to, but usually I just cannot do it.

This not only affects me ~ it affects my children and my ability to be a good mother to them, and it also affects my partner. It pushes them all away (which I can understand completely), and because it is something that is difficult to really understand unless you have been there, they assume that it is simply a matter of 'just doing it ~ it's not hard'.

I feel so trapped, exhausted, angry, frustrated, pathetic and angry because of this, and even as I type this, thoughts of 'slapping myself' intrude into my head. I've never actually done that thankfully, but even so, that is a truly fucked thought to have!

I am on the Merry Go Round, desperately searching for the 'off' switch that should be in the middle somewhere, but I can't see it, or can't find it. I just don't know what the fucking answer or 'key' is.

I don't mean to trivialise what you say at all, but many or most of us are our own worst enemies.

Listen to Radio Live tonight at 8pm - 12pm when Mike King and the Nutters Club are on...It is quite an amazing show to listen too...You will see you are not alone in where you are right now...Also the Nutters Club are on Facebook too, and there is always someone there to answer questions or point you in the right direction...

If I remember rightly you are in the Sth Island, so here are the radio tuning frequencies down there...

Nelson 96.2 FM Blenheim 95.3 FM Westport 90.1 FM Christchurch 99.3 FM / 738 AM Timaru 89.9 FM Alexandra 95.9 FM Queenstown 91.2 FM Dunedin 96.6 FM Southland 94 FM

As much as someone might be a person who likes to think of others, it can be tempting, when depressed, to think that one's priority is to get well, and then one is better able to help others. There is some truth in this - the whole 'put-your-own-oxygen-mask-on-before-your-children's-masks-when-the-plane-is-crashing' principle - but I don't think it is so simple.

While recognising the benefit of other helps such as therapy, medication, counseling etc, I believe something that can really help with depression is reaching beyond yourself and focussing on a simple or little goal of helping others in a way that uses your skills and meets their needs. Not so much friendship needs in the case of depression, because one doesn't want to bring others down, but practical help, such as gardening for the elderly, or knitting for the poor, or helping out with some other charity.

Ideally, focusing on the needs of others would not be so time consuming that it became overly stressful, because physical health and nutrition also have an impact on depression. Eat very healthy meals including whole grains and fresh fruit and vegetables of a wide variety, nuts, seeds, legumes etc. Drink water, get fresh air and sunshine (get a doctor to check your Vitamin D levels too - much of the population is deficient, and it's virtually impossible to overdose on Vitamin D from the sun - tablets are another story), get enough sleep early enough, get enough exercise (indoors if you can't face outdoors, but with the window open), and leave away the bad stuff!!!

I doubt all your self-depreciating comments help. Coz I reckon if you keep telling yourself you are "locked" into a cycle and "can't get out" etc etc, then of course it will be a self fulfilling prophecy. Even if you think it's true (that you are hopeless), maybe you could try ignoring those negative thoughts, or at least don't dwell on them, you could choose to think about something else, or try distract your mind. Or at the very least, don't write them down, coz that would give them more validation than they deserve. Anywho I know it's all easier said than done shit. But personally I agree with your family that says "just do it", though i don't agree that it's easy. But I believe sometimes people choose to be hopeless, and all the help thrown in their direction wont make a diff until they choose to see things in a different way. Sadly i do think it is that simplistic sometimes. (though ironically i do understand how mental illness can be far more complex).
Anyway I think you are being way too hard on yourself. Most people are fucked in the head, it just sucks that it seems to overwhelm you sometime, best of luck with your journey.

Linno wrote:I doubt all your self-depreciating comments help. Coz I reckon if you keep telling yourself you are "locked" into a cycle and "can't get out" etc etc, then of course it will be a self fulfilling prophecy. Even if you think it's true (that you are hopeless), maybe you could try ignoring those negative thoughts, or at least don't dwell on them, you could choose to think about something else, or try distract your mind. Or at the very least, don't write them down, coz that would give them more validation than they deserve. Anywho I know it's all easier said than done shit. But personally I agree with your family that says "just do it", though i don't agree that it's easy. But I believe sometimes people choose to be hopeless, and all the help thrown in their direction wont make a diff until they choose to see things in a different way. Sadly i do think it is that simplistic sometimes. (though ironically i do understand how mental illness can be far more complex).
Anyway I think you are being way too hard on yourself. Most people are fucked in the head, it just sucks that it seems to overwhelm you sometime, best of luck with your journey.

Agreed. The way out is to break the cycle. That could be as simple as changing the time you brush your teeth or as complicated as you like to make it. As you are repeatedly agorophobic, could your therapist not come to you? That would seem to me like a given.